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Post by debim on Mar 27, 2010 15:38:53 GMT -5
Ummm, Vampy? The eighty bucks was stuck to his butt cheeks, it didn't come "out " of anything.
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Post by vampyre on Mar 27, 2010 16:38:00 GMT -5
OH! Thanks for clearing that up..
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Post by aeroxforce on Mar 27, 2010 19:43:56 GMT -5
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website, obviously the answers are a joke; but these questions were really asked
Q: I have never seen it to be warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (from England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (from USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the >>> Railroad tracks? (Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only 4000 miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden ) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy ) A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? >>> (England ) A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada ? (USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, >>> which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany ) A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? (USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy ) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA ) A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA ) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA ) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Post by ailishsmom on Mar 27, 2010 19:50:30 GMT -5
Wow...just, wow. That's was hilarious! Thanks, aero!
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Post by nat on Mar 27, 2010 20:20:38 GMT -5
LMAO those were awesome. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if people really asked these questions. Sometimes you hear the stupidest things out of people. Like for example, last time at work, we had a power outage. And of course most people missed the signs we put at the door that said NO ELECTRICITY, so they waltz into the bank and look at us and ask: "What's going on?" Us "Sorry, there's no power." Them: "Oh. Does that mean the ATMs aren't working either?" AUTOMATED Teller Machines. Last time I checked they weren't powered by lime juice. Us: "Euh...yes. Everything that needs electricity to work is, well, not working..." Them: "Oh. But there's electricity at the place across the street!" Us: "Euh....okay..." Like seriously?! (Sorry, minor rant!)
Back to the jokes...
The Best Sarcastic Answers of 2010!!
SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect
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Post by ailishsmom on Mar 27, 2010 20:33:05 GMT -5
I think the teacher one is definitely my favorite! Thanks, Nhatty!!
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Post by vampyre on Mar 28, 2010 15:47:23 GMT -5
European Etiquette
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
=============================================
Are You an American?
During a business trip to China, I was browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member timidly approached me.
"Excuse me," she said. "Are you American?"
"Yes, I am," I answered.
"What state are you from?" she asked.
"Texas, " I replied proudly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, obviously disappointed. "I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English."
=============================================
Amish meet The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"
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Post by nat on Mar 29, 2010 17:45:35 GMT -5
LOL
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Post by aeroxforce on Apr 1, 2010 1:27:04 GMT -5
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!
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Post by vampyre on Apr 1, 2010 2:04:05 GMT -5
good stuff!
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Post by Raven on Apr 13, 2010 16:36:09 GMT -5
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. ___________________________________________________
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' ____________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ____________________________________________________
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' ____________________________________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
____________________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
____________________________________________________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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Post by aeroxforce on Apr 14, 2010 16:56:40 GMT -5
Here's what Jeff Foxworthy (American comedian) has to say about Albertans: If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Alberta. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Alberta. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Alberta. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Alberta. If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Edmonton for the weekend, you live in Alberta. If you measure distance in hours, you live in Alberta . If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Alberta. If you have switched from "heat" to "air conditioning" and back again in the same day, you live in Alberta. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Alberta. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Alberta. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Alberta. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Alberta. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Alberta. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Alberta. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Alberta. If you find 10 degrees Fahrenheit "a little chilly", you live in Alberta. That be Alberta... Just for you, Vampy
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Post by deathlynx on Apr 14, 2010 19:31:02 GMT -5
lmao! The same can (and has) all been said about New England as well...must be distant cousins
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Post by vampyre on Apr 14, 2010 20:32:40 GMT -5
Jeff is one of my favorite comedians.
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Post by aeroxforce on May 30, 2010 0:47:48 GMT -5
I was at work and got harassed by Chuck Norris Jokes, thought I'd put some up 1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. 2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. 3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. 4. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 5. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 6. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 7. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways. 8. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. 9. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. 10. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. ..... yes I am a dork. (PS..... YAY I now be an initiate! )
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