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Post by Raven on Apr 25, 2008 14:51:44 GMT -5
REAL FRIENDS Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually comes close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why?, you may ask. Because you are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway!!
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Post by Raven on Apr 25, 2008 14:53:47 GMT -5
Well it's neither original or a pun, but there's this one I heard about a farmer who needed to buy a rooster to um, keep the hens company long enough to start a new batch of chicks. So he drove his old pickup truck to the farm up the road where one of his neighbors had such a bird for sale.
"Ya cain't leave 'im alone with them chickens fer too long though, 'cause he'll kill 'em," said the neighbor.
"Whadday mean, he'll kill 'em?"
"Well, he's so dang potent, he'll screw 'em to death!"
Now the farmer who wanted the rooster didn't buy the story for one minute, figuring it was just sales talk, but he did buy the rooster. He drove it home and turned it loose in the yard while he went back out to work in the fields for a spell. When he came back around lunch time, he was quite dismayed to find the yard littered with dead chickens. Dead chickens, dead ducks, dead geese, even one or two old crows.
Angry at the rooster for destroying his poultry, he went in search of the bird, finally finding him lying on the ground behind the henhouse, feet up, eyes closed, head rolled back, wings out to the sides, barely alive.
"You dang fool!" yelled the farmer, nudging the half-dead rooster with the toe of his boot. "Not only have you killed ever' dang hen, duck, and goose on the farm, you've killed your own self as well. Look up yonder," he said, pointing to the sky, "there's buzzards a-circlin'!"
The rooster slowly opened one eye and gazed up at the farmer. "Shhhhh!" he whispered, "They're fixin' to land."
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Post by ailishsmom on Apr 25, 2008 16:58:59 GMT -5
Ha!
My favorite joke of all time: A three legged dog hobbles into a saloon in the Old West. He staggers up to the bar. Barkeep says, "What can I do for ya?"
Dog says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
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Post by Raven on Apr 29, 2008 8:39:53 GMT -5
THE 6 BEST SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF 2007:
SMART AS S ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am. They're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate fami y, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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Post by Raven on May 8, 2008 20:49:53 GMT -5
Psychiatric Hotline Instructions:
Hello! Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, don't press anything. We know who you are and why you are calling. Stay on the line, we will trace the call and come and get you.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to push.
If you are manic-depressive, press any number. No one will answer anyway.
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Post by Raven on May 8, 2008 20:51:01 GMT -5
A hopeful idiot applied to a Medical School... needless to say he never made it. Because these are the answers he gave for medical terms.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u
Caesarian Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty
Chronic - neck of a crow
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana
Dislocation - in this place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile
Hernia - she is close by
Hymen - greeting to several males
Impotent - distinguished / well-known
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Lactose - people without feet
Lymph - walk unsteadily
Menopause - I no wait
Microbes - small dressing gowns
Obesity - City of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein - in favor of teens
Pulse - grain
Pus - small cat
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rupture - Ecstasy
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Tablet - small table
Tumor - extra pair
Ultrasound - radical noise
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close
Vas Deferens - extremely different
Vein - at what time?
Vitreous Humor - both witty & funny
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Post by ailishsmom on May 8, 2008 20:53:20 GMT -5
ha! These are great!
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Post by Raven on Nov 21, 2008 9:20:35 GMT -5
These aren't actually jokes, but funny anyway
Believe it or not , these are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls! (supposedly)
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma' am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
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Post by Raven on Jan 28, 2009 10:11:50 GMT -5
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff....'Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye WHAT!!? Out of here!! Ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!!.'
'OK, Dad. As ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $10 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible sports car that'sparked outside plus a membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff....'A prostitute, Daddy!' Sniff, sniff. 'A prostitute!!!'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
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Post by debim on Jan 28, 2009 20:51:06 GMT -5
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce .
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Post by miki on Jan 30, 2009 17:36:54 GMT -5
WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "LET'S GO FOR A DRINK"?
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Post by deathlynx on Jan 30, 2009 17:55:53 GMT -5
LMAO @ Miki!
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Post by ailishsmom on Jan 30, 2009 21:27:05 GMT -5
Being a grammar geek, puns are my favorite:
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
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Post by debim on Jan 31, 2009 11:26:25 GMT -5
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
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Post by debim on Jan 31, 2009 11:27:45 GMT -5
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine And fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch...
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