Raunchy Jokes

[MsKay]

The Horny Octopus!


Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on it.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I get these pajamas off!

[nat]

LMAO!!!

[Raven]

Nick the Dragon Slayer

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts, Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the Physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a
hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

The moral of the story - Pay your f@#king bills.